DebateGate
General Category => 3DHS => Topic started by: kimba1 on March 23, 2010, 01:42:05 AM
-
my dad passed away last week and the stress is almost overwelhming now.
I haven`t told my family but my sis for some reason can tell.
I feel nothing(emotionwise) but my neck and upperback is hurting from the stress.
no headache though
any advice would be most appreciated
I miss my dad dearly,but this pain is messing me up
-
Share the news with your family.
And then learn to accept the things you can not change.
-
well
as you notice it took aweek for me to say it here
I`m not a sharing emotion kinda guy
but thank you
that might be one of the reason for the stress
quite afew people asked why I didn`t say this sooner
gotta give that some thought
-
Kimba,
Sorry to hear of the loss of your dad.
The more time passes the easier it gets but you need to go through the grieving process. Remember the good times and cut your dad slack for the not so good times. Speaking with friends and family will help. Keep busy and be positive. You will get through this but it does take some time.
-
thanks kramer
I totally misunderstood the grieving process
I cried like a fountain at the funeral and really thought that would take most of the sting
I`m wrong,I broke down crying today visiting my dad`s grave.
but i did learn something from this
each loss is different.
I don`t remember this happening when I lost my sister or grandma
I`m not setup to handle strong emotions well
-
I am very sorry to hear about your loss. I hope you find a way to get over it soon. It took me a month or so when my Dad died.
I imagine that there is a lot of good information on the Internet about this.
-
Awe Kimba I am sorry to hear that.
I hope your heart heals soon.
This story helped me when I lost my Mom.
A Word Of Consolation
If a tiny baby could think, it would be afraid of birth.
To leave the only world it has known would seem a kind of death.
Birth (like death) can be traumatic, scary, and painful.
But immediately after birth.. the child would find itself in loving arms,
Showered with affection...and cared for at every moment.
Surely the baby would say...I was foolish to doubt's God's Plan for me.
This is a beautiful life.
Passing through death is really a birth into a new and better world.
Those who are left behind should not grieve as if there were no hope.
Life is changed....not taken away.
Our dear ones live on....in a world beautiful beyond anything we can imagine.
They await the day when they will welcome us with joy.
"Do not grieve too much" they say to us.
"We are living and are still with you".
Life is not ended....but merely changed.
And when this earthly abode dissolves, an eternal dwelling place awaits them in heaven.
Amen.
-
Dear Kimba, words can not express the the sorrow you must be going thru. It's likely similar to when my mother passed away. Its severe emotional pain, that can't be massaged or treated with any kind of modalities. It's simply a matter of time. Stay close to your family, and don't hold back your emotions. Let them out, and let the family help each other's grieving right now. Who knows how much stress everyone else is enduring. Be there for each other, is the best advice I could give
-
I'm sorry to hear about your loss, Kimba. I don't know how your family came together for the death, except that you mentioned a funeral. Different religions have different ways of coping with this, the Catholics have a wake, the Jews have a shiva - - there's a certain amount of ritual and routine associated with each group's formalized mourning and it provides an opportunity for family members and friends to meet. Depending on the family, with prayers or without. I'm not sure what if anything was organized for your dad. A lot of families now, regardless of the religion, organize a "Celebration of His Life," where folks get together to eat snacks or comfort food, look at pictures, reminisce and console one another. I don't know if it's still possible to organize one or not.
After the initial ceremonies and rituals have been completed and the out-of-town guests go back home, for the religiously-minded, there are usually ceremonies of remembrance that you can attend at a place of worship where the recently bereaved can gather at a fixed time (usually early morning) to remember, usually by reciting prayers for the deceased, or for the easing of the survivors' pain or (for the Buddhists) that the deceased not be reincarnated into the world of suffering and death but will remain a disembodied soul in the void or reincarnate as a Boddhisatva for the sake of all living beings. Whatever you are comfortable with, and whatever your own religious convictions.
From what I've seen, routine and ritual are great comforts. So is talking over your loss and your feelings with a trusted friend or relative.
As time goes by, you should find that you are adjusting better to the loss and functioning better. (Don't even try to function in the immediate aftermath of the death.) If you don't find you are adjusting better after a month or two, try to get some professional help. Mention it to your GP, who may set some time aside to ounsel you herself or can refer you on to a psychologist or psychiatrist. Try to remember, hard as it is, that life goes on and somewhere down the road is a brighter tomorrow.
-
thank everybody this helps
I certainly learned the importance of rituals.
my family bought several stuff made to look like material possesions.
it`s meant for us to treat my dad to comforts in the afterlife.
a modest home ,mah jong table ,pack of cigarettes,fancy suit,etc.
I wanted to buy a lobster,but the paperones cost just as much as a real lobster dinner $18
these guys are taking a advantage of us.
every morning and night I burn an incense ,I find it comforting.
kinda sad the funeral had a modest turnout,but at 85 it`s not like he didn`t have alot of friends.
it just that they didn`t out lived dad.
one strange comfort though is we insisted last month he didn`t take surgury and it turned out to be a very good idea.
we have no doubt at all ther surgery would of killed him on the spot,our decision gave him an extra month to be with family.
what killed him was he was too weak to handle a bad cough.
no way he would handle major surgery.
-
When my Father died I seemed to handle it well .
But I was made brittle.
Unfeeling words from a family member tore a hole in me and left me desprate.
I dreamed of Daddy and he was in my dream so like his old self that I was much comforted .
He didn't speak in my dream , but that was like him too.
What I owe my ancestry, I pay my progeny.
-
wow
I am less tolerant with my relatives.
I`ll bet alot of folks here will back me up. supposedly family is a source of comfort but the reality they often are the cause of our pain.
insensitivity is very common.
ex. my brother-inlaw keeps reminding me how backwards my people are, even during service
-
Kimba, I'm so sorry for you loss. I hope you are feeling better now and not letting the stress affect you physically so much. :(
-
thanks
It`s getting better now
-
I certainly learned the importance of rituals.
my family bought several stuff made to look like material possessions.
it`s meant for us to treat my dad to comforts in the afterlife.
a modest home ,mah jong table ,pack of cigarettes,fancy suit,etc.
I wanted to buy a lobster,but the paperones cost just as much as a real lobster dinner $18
these guys are taking a advantage of us.
==============================================================================
I take it that there is little competition for paper and joss items for the deceased. Still, the paper lobster dinner is easier to burn.
A friend of mine once bought a wardrobe of paper clothes, because he figured that since no one opens these before burning them, it might not contain what it was supposed to. But it did: it was really complete and quite classy, as paper clothes go.
In Singapore, they print "Hell money" in stupendous denominations:as much as $500 billion. I suppose that the Jade Emperor does not have to deal with inflation. Otherwise, the Singaporeans are clearly in control of the Great Beyond by now.
-
we put massive amount of hellbank dollars in dad`s coffin
I think the smallest amount is 10k.
-
I have seen $1000 Hellbank notes, but that was a long time ago.
With any luck, the deceased will not be faced with the "I can't sell you that because I have no change" problem.
-
most folks are pretty confident they sent enough money to cover it.
but the expense of all it is huge, if it wasn`t for dads life insurance it would of been real tough to do this.
now I`m telling folks get life insurance just so thier funeral will be covered.
50k and above
the cost of the plot is insane.
-
but the expense of all it is huge, if it wasn`t for dads life insurance it would of been real tough to do this.
now I`m telling folks get life insurance just so thier funeral will be covered. 50k and above. the cost of the plot is insane.
wow KIMBA......50K for a funeral?
no wonder so many are turning to cremation.
personally cremation is not for me....but I am sure cremation with no formal service is like $700
i looked into a pre-paid funeral....my Dad did that and it was amazing how much was saved.
i may go ahead soon with the pre-paid funeral and get my foot-stone made because I want mine to read: "Here Lies A Lucky Man"
-
my dad is 25k at this moment I`m still expecting other expenses to pop-up in the next few months.
I said 50k because I`m confident by the time it happens for others< it`ll easily hit that price.
I have not hear anything about the cost of the hospice. I very much doubt his insurance cover it 100% .
creamation is ok,but I MUST give warning the sound of the furnist is very disturbing.
it still give me pause remembering it.
p.s. don`t forget the cost of the vault( the marble container for the coffin) it cost a few k
I didn`t know about that till last week.
alot of details never mentioned
advice: reserve a plot now so you or family don`t pay 30K in the future for that small piece of land.
actually this might be a good money making venture buy a large chunk of burial land cheap and it`ll cost 30k per plot in a few decades.
I say 30k because somebody offered that to us .
the money really is there, I hear quite a few legal battle over burial land recently.
-
KIMBA....I've already got my plot.....although I am kinda pissed about it
it used to be in a nice area....now it's 3rd World....with taco carts at every corner.
but my parents are there & when they died I bought the two remaining plots from the estate.
in a perfect world I'd dig them up & move us all to a country cemetary where other relatives are buried
but i think you gotta get a court order to dig people up....so hell...I guess it's not worth all that.
it seemed like when I had a pre-paid funeral rep to my office back in '04 or '05 the complete
pre-paid pkge minus the plot I already own was like 12-14 grand....but I cant remember for sure.
-
looks like you got at least 90% covered.
set some money aside just incase some else is not mentioned or newly required in the future.
I had a dvd slideshow of my dad made.
goodthing most kids today know how to use a computer.
I simply got my nephew make one ,instead of the funeral home.
i think he did a beautiful job.
-
Funerals are for the living, not the deceased.
I will be cremated and my ashes dumped in a body of water that eventually flows to the sea.
-
after seeing how much it cost ,me and my sister said stuff in a gladbag and throw in a ditch.
but i prefer a wood-chipper at a public park in the dark.
we`re not a fancy people.
-
People are strange about death.
http://www.eternalreefs.com/ (http://www.eternalreefs.com/)
http://www.thejaderoad.com/burialjades.html (http://www.thejaderoad.com/burialjades.html)
Legends tell of the first Emperor Qin (terracotta warriors) and the building of his tomb at Mount Li, Xian. Archeologists believe that over 750,000 people worked continuously for almost 35 years to build his royal tomb. Within his tomb is a pond of liquid mercury where a pure gold boat in the shape of a Phoenix Bird contains the body of Emperor Qin floating for eternity.
http://www.memoryjewelspets.com/faq.htm (http://www.memoryjewelspets.com/faq.htm)
http://www.religionlink.com/tip_050725.php (http://www.religionlink.com/tip_050725.php)
http://www.roadsideamerica.com/story/12175 (http://www.roadsideamerica.com/story/12175)
-
The reason the Orthodox Jews don't want to be cremated is because when the Messiah comes, the dead will be restored to life and they want to be restored as a whole body, not as a sack full of ashes. The reason a friend of mine (not an Orthodox Jew) doesn't want to be cremated is because "Who knows if the body can still feel anything after death, but just in a different way of feeling?"
-
"Funerals (and cemeteries) are for the living, not the deceased"
I agree BT....thats exactly true...I found that out last Fall
I dont fault you for your decision....it's everybody's personal choice
But last Sept my brother flew in from California and we took a day trip
drove two hours out in the country....to a small town where my Dad's family came from
we went to the house my Dad grew up in
a lady had turned it into an art studio and she let us look around..
it was neat thinking of my Dad in that house in the 1930's
then we drove out to the edge of town to the cemetery
we pulled in and saw our name in several places
we walked the graves...stopping and talking about the uncles,
aunts, cousins, grandparents we stare down at
and I said to my brother...how special is this?
for me to see these graves of my roots...and hear stories about these people
as we look at their graves....
then I said to my brother...ya know this would not be possible if everyone
was cremated.............
yeah...it's not that big a deal....but I'll never forget that day..
after a light rain...walking that peaceful country cemetery with my two older brothers.
(http://i7.photobucket.com/albums/y273/ItsZep/Family/Winter09100-1.jpg)
-
yes
But i prefer less fanfare on me.
-
yes But i prefer less fanfare on me.
i thought you said you were sad there were only 85 at your Dad's funeral?
-
for my dad,yes
but I just don`t like that kind of attention.
I don`t even celebrate my own birthday.
which is ironic since this somehow encourage folks to do stuff with me more.
-
Kimba....I always thought it's kind of strange that on message boards
you spend a lot of time discussing life with people...you sort of get to
know them....in some ways some of them beccome "friends"...at least
"internet friends"....but if you croak.....it's possible no one on the
message boards would ever even know it....it would just be assumed
that the person had got busy or decided to quit posting.
(http://gizmodo.com/assets/images/gizmodo/2008/07/coffiniphone_w606w.jpg)
-
that probly why it`s easier to unload feelings in this venue.
face to face or phone is abit harder to weasel out of subject matters.
but here the limitations are very easy to use.
but that`s us.
some people are too vunerable(teenagers) to be on-line.
I`m overwelmed how communication has changed by the internet.
in fact it`s getting harder now to be unreachable and not look rude.
at least cell receptions is still bad enough to claim not getting the call.
I do miss clear phone conversation nowadays.
-
<<I don`t even celebrate my own birthday.>>
I always assumed that that was a Chinese cultural tradition. In fact, a Cantonese business associate told me a long time ago that Chinese families didn't celebrate their kids' birthdays because it would have encouraged egotism. I just took him at his word.
-
i stopped celebrating birthdays a few years ago....lol
at least I say that...
Mick Jagger was right..."what a drag it is getting oh-oh-old"
i will say...i am much more comfortable in my own skin now than I ever was when I was younger
i couldnt hardly walk into a party 25 years ago without having a drink or two
now i could walk into a party thrown by the Queen stone sober and be totally ok
Mothers Little Helper Rolling Stones (w/ lyrics) (http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=tfGYSHy1jQs#)
-
I`ve never heard that custom,but thiers hundreds(thousands maybe) of cantonese villages so who know s what customs poped up in some of them.
i just grow more introverted at my old age.
I outgrew my need for excitement along time ago.
a simple algerbra problem is excitement enough for me
3x(5+8)=78
x=?
I actually was doing this in reno instead of gambling once.
it totally wierded my friend .but he had fun also doing these equations.
he still wants me to vacation with him
-
Kimba, my best wishes and hugs for you, I'm sorry to hear of your dad's passing.
It sounds like you're feeling a tiny bit better...I hope so.
Grief is a process.
I remember something you said about your dad, that one of the reasons he immigrated was he couldn't stand Chinese opera. Did I remember right?
-
I actually was doing this in reno instead of gambling once.
it totally wierded my friend .but he had fun also doing these equations.
he still wants me to vacation with him
I prefer logic puzzles.
Here's one: http://www.puzzles.com/projects/LogicProblems/BeMyValentine.htm (http://www.puzzles.com/projects/LogicProblems/BeMyValentine.htm)
-
that`s a inside chinese joke.
chinese opera to alot of people sounds like abunch of schrechy sounds.
and afew are a bunch schrechy sounds.
I have a few cd`s just to torture the younger generations
somehow youtube only has tolerable chinese opera
my dad left china like most people left,as a means to support thier families.
thiers just not enough work in china .
my grandpa (his dad) did the samething,but in cuba
-
Sorry to hear about your loss, Kimba.
Whenever somebody close to me dies, I think of this story. (http://www.shsu.edu/~eng_wpf/authors/Twain/Mysterious-Stranger.htm) Take that for whatever it's worth...