Shaking Off Amnesia, Gonzales Remembers He's Actually Pool Salesman From Tulsa
June 11, 2007 | Issue 43?24
WASHINGTON, DC?Embattled Attorney General Alberto Gonzales' future was thrown further into jeopardy Friday when he was accidentally struck by a boom microphone, reversing a years-long case of amnesia and causing him to remember his true identity as hotshot Tulsa, OK pool and spa salesman "Cabana Al" Gonzales.
Gonzales asks Congress to let him return to his real career as soon as possible.
"My God, what am I doing here?" a dazed Gonzales asked reporters in what they assured him was indeed his office. "The last thing I remember is slipping on some wet redwood decking out by the Boswicks' 16-by-48-foot in-ground El Tropico?beautiful pool, that one, with a hefty seven-percent commission attached?and then suddenly I'm waking up three years older, 25 pounds heavier, and defending my actions in the firing of eight federal prosecutors. Somebody has obviously made a really big mistake."
"Clearly, I should not be seventh in line for the presidency," Gonzales said. "Can I go home now?"
After being informed of the details of his recent legal career, including his opinion that the writ of habeas corpus is not represented in the Constitution and that law enforcement officers do not in fact need warrants to listen to phone calls made by private citizens, Gonzales expressed regret over "whatever it was [he] did" and apologized to anyone he may have inconvenienced by his actions over the past three years.
White House doctors say Gonzales' amnesia seems to have been completely eradicated, leaving him dazed, shaken, and unable to explain how he became the chief law enforcement officer of the federal government.
"Law never really interested me much," Gonzales said. "Got a brother-in-law who's a lawyer. Sold him a pool, actually. But that's it."
Archived footage from Tulsa local television found by Senate investigators shows him in several local commercials touting "Cabana Al" as "the pool salesman Tulsa trusts" as late as November 2004, mere days before Bush announced he would nominate Gonzales to succeed John Ashcroft for Bush's second term. Furthermore, voluntarily taken polygraph tests indicate that Gonzales has absolutely no idea how he came to be placed in his current job, where he is in charge of a $40 billion budget and more than 110,000 employees.
"Why the hell would anyone appoint me, of all people, to this position?" Gonzales asked. "All I know about law is a couple of local Tulsa zoning ordinances restricting how big a pool you can put in various-sized suburban lots. Hey, I didn't change any of those while I...when you all thought I was.... No? Man, what a shame."
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http://www.theonion.com/content/news/shaking_off_amnesia_gonzales
