Is this war going to be another Vietnam?
http://f-brilliant.blogspot.com/2008/01/saving-americas-vets_26.htmlThe
Warrior?s Guide To
Insanity
Traumatic Stress and Life
-For My Brothers and Sisters-
By
Sgt. PTSD Brandi
U.S.M.C. Never Retired?
Introduction
In this brutally open and honest book, I am allowing each of you to pass over a long guarded
threshold. This secret world, is the inner sanctum of a Warrior; a hidden place, seldom
spoken of to the uninitiated, yet a time honored world in which we live every moment of
every year. My reasons for releasing this work are clear. We are now at war again, and all
Warriors share the same battleground, being caught between two very different and
conflicting worlds.
Each of us left behind the comforts and safety of our country to experience the horrors of
war, and yet within it, we found the true meaning of Trust, Honor, Friendship and loss. As
our tours ended, we returned Stateside only to find our torment continuing with the painful
memories of how life once was, and yet could never be again. Due to my own military
background, I have kept the primary focus of this ?Warriors Guide? aimed directly at our
armed forces, yet anyone having developed Post Traumatic Stress, will quickly realize how
much we all have in common, both civilian and military alike.
This work recounts many of my own experiences, beginning as a Marine combat rifleman,
with Hotel Company, 2nd Battalion, 7th Marines in and around Chu Lai, South Vietnam.
However, it is not ?my? story, but the vivid reality of many thousands like myself, who
learned first to survive combat, and for nearly 40 years, have learned to survive life. Where
necessary, I use harsh language. Some examples and stories may be harsh as well.
However, I venture to say, that if you were a timid soul, you wouldn?t be holding this book.
Be advised, I?m cutting you ?some? slack in the first section, gotta? ease you into the book a
bit. Sort a like your first 5 mile forced march with full gear, when every muscle of your outof-
shape body aches and you feel like droppin? out. But like my Old Sarge used to say, ?Pain
is Good! Now feel the Goodness!? Not to worry, because after a while you?ll be ?lean, mean,
fighting machines? kickin? ass on your traumatic experiences (no name taking allowed). I
know that many of you still feel like you?re on patrol, cut off, and behind enemy lines. But
don?t sweat it! The choppers are on the way!
And this time, everybody gets out!
Now, in true Marine Corps fashion, ?Lock and Load!? and ?Listen Up!? Your life is on the
line.
Acknowledgments
It is important to thank ?all? of the many Veterans I have known over the long and difficult
years since the Vietnam Era. Each of these Warriors has had their own story to tell, of their
lives, their struggles and their triumphs. And each of these brave Souls has served this
Nation without question, placing their lives on the line for the principles they held sacred.
Many are now my own personal memories, of cherished Friends and fallen Heroes. And if
I had not crossed paths with these honorable men and women along my own journey, it
would not have been possible to write this work for our Young Warriors of today.
I thank you all, my Brothers and Sisters, both from the past and the present. I thank you for
your Sacrifices and Service, your Honor and Courage. You are what I believe to be the finest
example of the Nobility of the Human Spirit, and I am proud to be a Warrior by your side.
I would also like to thank my dear ?Friends? for their support as well: Karin Brandi for
your honesty and wisdom; Margaret Wolverton for your encouragement and superb editing
skills; Jane Chanik also for your encouragement and computer skills (I was hopelessly lost).
My friends at SuperRoller for their time, layout and design (
www.mysuperroller.com). And
finally, to a good Friend and fellow Warrior, who would prefer his name not be mentioned.
You are all very wise and compassionate individuals, deeply concerned, as I, about our
Young Veterans in Afghanistan, Iraq, and now returning Stateside. It is a privilege and
Honor that I may call each of you ?Friend?.
Section one: War is Our Business and Business is Good
1. The Death of Innocence
2. From Videos to Killing Kids
3. Taking Life Changes Life
4. What is Reality?
5. A Warrior?s Job is to Kill
6. Hardening to Loss
7. Friendship and Survivor Guilt
8. Burnout and Short Timer?s Fear
9. Section Summary
Section 1-1 The Death of Innocence
The tragedies of war are timeless. Killing is the same now in the deserts of Afghanistan
and Iraq as it was in the jungles of Vietnam, or in any other war for that matter. Every
warrior who has walked out onto the battlefield has shared the same feelings in common.
We all controlled our fear, we all moved forward to engage the enemy, as adrenaline
pumped through every fiber of our body. We killed before being killed, and when it was all
over, we trembled from exhaustion, thanked God to be alive, and moved out to the next
battle. This continues until you?re either dead, severely wounded, or finish your tour and
are sent home.
When you kill another human being for the first time, something changes inside of you.
Doesn?t matter what emotions are going on inside your head during the killing, such as hate,
anger, fear, or revenge. These feelings only delay the results a bit, because eventually, what
you just did comes back around to bite you right on the ass. I?ll give you an example.
Intelligence reports had just come in from headquarters that a large shipment of arms and
supplies were being sent down the river near our base camp. This meant that the Viet Cong
in our area would have a fresh supply of guns and ammo to bring us a nice little house
warming gift about 03:00 in the morning. Those of less than great wisdom, decided the
answer to this problem was to set up an ambush on ?our? river and capture all the goodies.
Well, being a gung-ho Marine, and well trained (for a whole week!) in guerilla tactics back
in the land of fruits and nuts (California), I naturally volunteered to kill a ?Commie for
Christ?. This was my first night ambush, and I was ready long before it got dark.
Everything takes on a veil of gray and black when the sun sets. It also gets a little spooky
when you think that one of those shadows might in fact be one of the Little People waiting
to blow your young ass back to America. At night you walk differently, you listen more
carefully, and you stay as quiet as possible. When at last the order came to ?saddle up!?,
everyone grabbed a few extra grenades, a couple extra magazines of ammo, and headed out.
I had already painted my face with black grease stick, so I thought I was ahead of the
program. Man, was I in for a surprise.
I started to feel a little nervous as we cleared the last check point and moved onto the trail
leading to the river. The moon was out, but I thought ?Shit, how the hell do you
see anything out here?? Being a dumb ass, and new to the Nam, I just followed along,
figurin? the point man knew the way. What seemed like hours, was actually only about 20
minutes when we finally reached the river. The corporal in charge was very organized, and
told me to take the first position up stream, which meant I would trigger the ambush. Feeling
pleased with myself about being in the lead position, I eagerly made my way up near the
river?s edge and started to wait.
As amazing as it sounds, when you?re exhausted it?s next to impossible to stay awake, life
threatening situation or not. Even at 18 years old and in good shape, after filling sand bags
for most of the day, and pulling watch the night before, I was pretty well wiped out. About
two hours had passed, and I still couldn?t see very far out over the river, but suddenly, I could
hear the swish of a paddle coming my way. I came to full alert, and my heart was pounding
so loud I thought everyone could hear it. As I was trying to control my breathing, thoughts
were runnin? through my brain: ?Damn, I wonder if all those other guys are asleep?? and
remembering my night-firing exercises back at Camp Pendleton, ?You can?t miss, even in the
dark!?.
At last I could barely make out two boats floating past my position, about 30 feet from shore.
?I had to let them move into the kill zone?, I thought, slowly moving my trigger finger
forward. As I picked my target, the safety ?Clicked? off, and I opened fire!
Instantly, the entire line opened up, and the deafening roar of an ?60 machine gun and a
fire team with M-14?s, every fifth round a tracer was very impressive. In not more than 45
seconds the corporal gave the order to cease fire! All was dead still, except for the ringing in
my ears. There were no signs of movement coming from the boats.
Immediately, several Marines waded out into the shallow, muddy water and began pulling the
bodies to shore. One by one, out they came, and bit by agonizing bit my heart was ripped out
of my chest, by the irreversible finality of what I had just done.
All I could say was ?Oh my God NO!? ?Please God NO!? ?Not Children!?
Except for one wrinkled up old man, we had killed 14 children that night. And it was all I
could do to keep from screaming out loud. Turned inward, that screaming still goes on. Out
of anger, one Marine broke, yelling ?You fucking bastard!?, as he pumped five more rounds
into the old man?s body. I just stood there motionless for a time, staring at those little bodies,
asking God to ?make this not be true?.
Leaning on my rifle and slowly kneeling to the bank of the river, I reached out to gently
touch the cold, lifeless face of one especially beautiful little girl. And in one undeniable,
horrifying moment, as my hand touched her cheek, I felt as though everything inside of
me had collapsed. A numbness fell over me. Who I was had died with those children.
What changed in me after that first killing was that I could no longer feel anything close to
the joys or innocence of youth. I became more quiet, more withdrawn and in some ways less
satisfied with my duties as a warrior. At that time, I couldn?t get over the stillness of the
human body when it was dead, and that ?I? had caused it. Killing adult soldiers was one
thing, but killing my first kid just about ripped my guts out.
The whole situation was very confusing, because I was a warrior, trained to kill, and doing a
damn good job of it. So why was I feeling anything at all? I don?t know if it was fortunate or
unfortunate, but by the time I left Vietnam, I had done so much killing, that I didn?t feel
much of anything any more. At least that?s what I thought.
Our young combat troops now returning home know exactly what I?m saying. You?ve
probably killed adults, and probably killed kids. You feel numb inside and don?t really give
a shit about very much. You?ve lost some of the best friends you?ve ever had, and you?d
like to just forget about the whole damn thing for awhile, maybe for good. Well my friends,
?It don?t work that way?.
Many times, I tried stayin? drunk for a few days at a time. You know, ?just for the hell of
it? I told myself. But what I was really trying to do was to find a some peace, kind of escape
for a little while. Veterans back in the 60?s were pretty much on their own to figure things
out. We also had to maintain a very low profile, because a lot of folks looked at us as ?baby
killing monsters?.
Here is one point I want to make right away for our new war Veterans, and to the people of
this country. No one I have ever known felt good about killing! However, like it or not, it is
part of any war, so you civilians need to deal with it. There is no good way to kill a human
being.
And yeah, Children do get caught up in the battles and the killing as well. Sometimes
they?re even the ones trying to kill you! So what is a Warrior suppose to do? Just say, ?Oh,
it?s OK honey, come right over here, sit on my lap and pull the pin. We?ll just have a big
huggie, while you blow our asses off the face of the earth?? Don?t think so.
Its real easy to judge someone when you?re looking in from the outside of a situation.
And I sure as hell hope that over the past thirty-plus years, Americans have learned not
to judge so quickly, and this time, cut our Young Warriors some slack.
Well anyway, there?s an old saying that ?No matter where you go, there you are?. And each
time I?d sober up, no shit, there I was still lookin? at the faces of everyone I?d wasted, and
being haunted by the dead brothers I?d lost. There was no getting away from the
uncomfortable memories during the day, and the nightmares whenever I could fall asleep.
This is happening ?Right Now? with many of our Young Veterans.
PTSD, (Post Traumatic Stress Disorder) wasn?t a catchy little phrase back in the 60?s. In
those days the shrinkers called the effects of combat, Battle Fatigue or Shell Shock. Doesn?t
matter what anyone calls it, the fact is, it really sucks when you?ve got it.
Remember I said I was gonna go easy on you for a bit? Well, here?s the good news first!
You Youngins don?t have to duplicate what I did. That means, you don?t have to wade
through all the shit by yourself, because now you have a lot of support, and not just from us
Old Knuckle Draggers either (but rest assured, we?ve still got your 6 O?clock). And, (more
good news) because of all the help these days, you won?t be blind-sided by emotions, that
you have no idea how to deal with. That really makes a big difference.
Now for the bad news. Be advised, you ?will? be feeling the same things I did. Every
Warrior has. But we?re gonna? go though each one of these issues, and you?ll know
exactly how to deal with?em and how to be an ?A. J. Squared Away? in your deep-fried
brain.
So then, lets just focus on the possibility that you?ve killed a bunch of people, maybe
even capped a bunch of kids, called in a few air strikes or artillery on houses filled with
civilians, and now you feel confused, depressed, and maybe angry. And you just can?t get
your brain-housing-group to make any sense out of all the feelings and emotions.
Well guess what? There?s nothing WRONG with your feelings! That?s right! You are a
human being, and humans are suppose to FEEL. Don?t worry, if you?re still a little numb
like I was, it?ll all come out eventually, and you?ll deal with it when it does. And once
again, be advised, one day it definitely will be right in your face, up close and personal.
We?ll talk later about how to kick ass on that topic too.
So look, cut yourself some slack right now. Because one thing is for sure. You
can?t kill people and not be screwed up. You can?t watch your friends get blown up in
front of you and not have nightmares for a time. I?ve been there, seen it, felt it, and I?m
still sittin? here talkin? to ?you?.
So don?t feel like the Lone Ranger on this one, because you?re not. I know a lot of Combat
Vets, and every single one of them has gone down exactly the same road as you. We have all
had to make the choice, to either go on and see what life has in store for us, or give up and
drop out pukin?, maybe even do something stupid like commit suicide. We?ll talk about that
later too.
No bullshit, you?re gonna be in a world of hurt for a time, but there are ways to make it out
of the bush a little quicker and a little easier. No need to low crawl through half your life,
when with the right tactics, you can reach your objective quickly. We?ll cover all that as we
move along here. Just don?t wimp out. Keep reading even if it hurts, and it most likely will.
Also keep in mind, that anyone who has experienced war, and anyone who has faced death
has had a life changing experience. I don?t care if it?s a near fatal car accident, a gangbanger
firefight, a building engulfed in flames that collapses just as you walk out, a
mutilated kid that you can?t resuscitate who dies in your arms, watching the Twin Towers
collapse with your loved ones inside, or pickin? up body parts after it did. You ain?t gonna?
be the same person when its over.
?What do I do now?? You ask. You grit your teeth, and read on! You let this old Jar Head
walk you down your own personal trail of tears, and get a grip on how to make it to the next
extraction point, to a new life. It may not be the life you now have, but it can be a life that
one day will bring a little peace in your days, maybe a little joy back in planning your
tomorrows.
Now, lets get on with it! And don?t worry, I?m runnin? point for you on this one. I?ve
cleared the path ahead. So jam a full magazine in your rifle! Safeties Off!, We?re movin?
out!
Glossary of Marine Speech, and Catchy
Sayings A
A. J. Squared Away. Someone who is anal about organization, or just plain organized.
Asshole. Uptight, critical, generally annoying person. Angel of Death. The Beautiful
Round-eyed woman that takes you to the Big Base Camp. Assume the Position. Drop down
and get ready to feel the Goodness. (Pain) Ass-in-the-grass. Some one in the field. Usually a
Grunt.
B
B. Street. Used to be a street in Okinawa filled with bars and fine looking women
(escorts)
Big Book of Words. What Marines call the Dictionary BDUs. Battle Dress Uniform.
Military clothing you wear into the bush. Marines called them Utilities, the Army called
them Fatigues. Don?t know why?
Boot. Someone new to the military, usually in Boot Camp. Or someone just new in the
unit.
Boom-Boom. Screwing, in Vietnamese speech. Bouncing Betty. A kind of land mine,
that jumps up out of the ground and blows your balls off.
Bug Fuck. Small, intense, overly active. Also, something driving you crazy. Brain
Fart. Bad out-put from brain-housing-Group to mouth. Bad choice of words.
Brain-Housing-Group. The small cluttered human brain. Green colored substance in the
Marines head.
Brain Grenade. Usually a beer, but anything capable of joyfully killing brain cells. Burn
the Shitters. A 55 gallon drum, cut in half, and filled with shit. Burning the shit was done
with diesel, over long intellectual conversations.
Bush. Usually means out on patrol in the landscape. Or can mean a bush, vegetation.
Cake-Eater. Usually a soft-bodied, self-involved Politician.
Carpet Bombing. B-52 Air strike that makes the landscape look like the surface of the
Moon. Chin up, head down, and one round in the chamber, in case you stick the
bayonet. A
catchy Marine saying, used by Wise and Knowing Sergeants. Means to be prepared, alert,
and ready for the unexpected. Chow Hall. The Gourmet Kitchen of Marines, serving
only the finest of foods, and staffed by world renowned chiefs.
Chow. The especially tasty food of Marines. Usually just like Mom used to make, only
she didn?t shit in it. Cluster Fuck. Nothing working right, Murphy in control. Code of
Honor. Rifleman?s Code. Living Honorably. Corpsman. A Navy person, medically
trained that saves Marines in combat. Cover. Your hat.
Crabbing. Walking on all fours, as low to the ground as is possible.
C-Rats. C-Rations. 12 delicious selections of canned and boxed foods, complete with a tasty
desert and 5 cigarettes. Crotch. What ?only? Marines may reverently call the Marine Corps.
Crotcher. A Marine.
D
Death before Dishonor. A Code of Conduct that Marines live by. Means you die before
you turn to chicken-shit and wimp out. Dee-Dee-Mau. (Misspelled) Vietnamese for get the
hell out. Devil Dogs. Marines. Our mascot is the Bull Dog. Ditty-Bop. Means to walk
casually. Dinky-Dow. Crazy in Vietnamese, used by Vets from that era. Dry Firing.
Practice firing your weapon without ammo.
E
Eagle Shits. Payday in the Marine Corps. Comes from the Eagle on the Marine Corps
Emblem. Extraction Point. That?s your exit point, how you leave location.
F Flush the Toilet of Humanity. Someone needs to meet Jesus right
away.
Frag. A fragmentary hand grenade, with about a 7 second fuse. Fly Paradise. A brown, shit
covered world where some people visit. Foot Locker. A small green box that you hope no
one inspects, and where you hide your
contraband. Usually kept at the foot of your rack. Frosty. Means alert. FNG. Fucking new
guy. Usually someone just ?in country?. FUBAR. Fucked Up Beyond All Reason. Fuck.
Noun, pronoun, verb, adverb, adjective, etc. One of the two most useful and often
used words in the vast Marine vocabulary.
Fucking A! Marine term for Yes! Right on!
G
Ghillie Suit. Also called a Bush-Tux. Brushed burlap covered clothing, that makes one
almost invisible in the bush. Used by snipers. (and crazy Old Marines for fun) Goat
Fuck. Something bad happens. Green Weenie. Old Marine Corps saying. Usually
referred to as being fucked by the
Green Weenie. Ground Pounder. Usually a Grunt.
The Infantry. Grunt. A Marine Rifleman. Use to be
M.O.S. 0311.
H Hard back. A tent having a wooded frame and a wooden floor. 1
st
class
housing.
Hookin and Jabbin. Hand to hand combat with bayonets.
Hot LZ. A landing site that is under enemy fire. Hump. To
walk. Often with a pack and combat gear.
In Country. Means to be deployed in a foreign country. Or the foreign country you are in.
Intel. Intelligence(?) Improvise, Overcome and Adapt! Marine attitude toward any
obstacle or situation. Intestinal Fortitude. Guts J
Jackie? Your Jaws. Talking. Jar Head. Referring to the bald Marine head, with a starched
cover, resembling a jar or jug.
Jerk Off. A waste of air, someone worthless.
Jug Head. Same-e-Same as Jar Head.
K Cohuna. Hawaiian Sea God. K-Bar. A wonderful
Marine Combat Knife, and my friend.
Lean, Mean, Fighting Machine. A well trained and conditioned Marine. Leather
Neck. A Marine. Lifer. Someone who stays in the military for 20+ years. Limp
Dick. Someone usually spineless, worthless, and afraid of salt. Lock and Load!
Put your safety on and cram a magazine of ammo in your rifle. Lolly Gaging.
Sitting around, wasting time. Low Crawl. Crawling as low to the ground as
possible, and very slow. LZ. Landing Zone. A place where helicopters land.
M ?14. A wonderful, .308 caliber rifle, that I love as my own child and cherished friend.
Maggot. Usually a Marine in boot camp. A generally worthless person. Make My Bird.
Get out of this place. Fly away. Mess Gear. Metal, fold-up plates that you don?t want to
shit in. Mind Fuck. Common term in the Marine Corps. Means you are confused, or
you?re
being confused by someone or something. MOS. Military Occupational Skill. What you
are best qualified for without screwing? up.
MARES. Meals Ready to Eat. (Excrete). Foil wrapped food, that makes you constipated if
you eat it dry.
Murphy. A being that waits for you to make a mistake, to make things worse. Usually
flies on the back of a Great Eagle that shits on your head.
N
Napalm. Dropped from Aircraft in air strikes to convert Communists to our way of
thinking. Non-Hacker. Someone who quits, and drops out pukin?.
O One is none. Two is one. If one of anything can go wrong, it will. Two gives you a better
chance. This is especially true in setting explosive charges or depending on military
equipment. Ordinance. Explosives, usually dropped from an aircraft.
P
Pain is Good, Now Feel the Goodness. A favorite saying of Drill Instructors about to
make your body feel the Goodness. PLF. Parachute Landing Fall. A five point landing
that?s suppose to take up most of the
shock of impact when your ass hits the ground. Podunk.
Candy, Twinkie-like crap filled with sugar. Politics. Poly,
meaning many. Ticks, meaning blood suckers. PTSD.
Psychological Training for Self Discipline.
PX. Post Exchange. A Store on a military base.
Q
Qualifies for Extinction. Someone needs to put this person out of his misery. A waste of
good oxygen.
R Rack. Your wonderful Marine Corps bed. ROKs. Korean Marines from the
Republic of South Korea. Wonderful fighters, and
greatly appreciated by U.S. Marines in Vietnam.
S Saddle Up! Means to get off your ass, get your gear on and get ready to deploy.
Same-e-Same. Vietnamese saying meaning ?the exact same thing?. Scoop, or Skinny.
Information, the latest news. Scum Bag. Someone fully qualified for extinction.
Shrapnel. Small bits of bombs that travel freely through your body. Snappin? In. Dry
firing your weapon, or paying attention. Spineless Maggot. Someone worthless, having
no back bone and a great fear of salt. Shit. 2
nd
most common Marine word, taking the
place of most parts of speech. Shit Bird. Generally one with a poor attitude.
Shit-for-Brains. Someone who cannot think clearly, easily confused. Shit Tube. A
direct drop or short cut to Fly Paradise. Skivvies. Your under ware. Spotter Round.
Usually a White Phosphorus round that marks the spot for a napalm
strike. White Phosphorus is a delightful substance that sticks to you and burns until it is
gone. Squad Bay. The barracks that Marines call home.
Surrender is Not in Our Creed! Marines do not surrender, and do not quit or give up.
Sweep (or Search) and Destroy. The public relations policy in Vietnam, to make better
friends and neighbors
Screw the Pooch. You?ve made a big mistake. T Thermite Grenade. A hand grenade that
produces tremendous head, and can melt through an engine block. Tracer Round. A bullet
that when fired is visible, especially at night. Only problem is, the enemy can also see it and
where its being fired from. Thousand Yard Stare. The spaced out stare of a Combat
Warrior, thinking about his her traumatic experiences.
U Utilities. What Marines call their BDUs. The clothes they wear in the field.
W When the going gets tough, the tough get going. Applies to all non-quitters. When
conditions are at their very worst, people are at their very best. This is when the
tough get going!
Winged Lizard. A bird-like creature. Y You don?t have to like it, you just have to do it.
No quitters, no wimps and no whiners.
What we all have to do at times and make the best of it.
Young Pups. Young Marines, Young Devil Dogs.
Printed in the U.S.A
