Have you noticed those guys over in Red China (yeah, that's right, I called 'em Red China. Deal.) but anyway didja notice they have gotten awfully nervy lately? I mean, it's been a few years since they did that bump and run on our spy plane and had the nerve to get offended by out teeny, tiny little embassy bombing. But things happen. I mean, by cold war standards those were just love taps. But lately, they have just been getting outta control! First they were poisoning our pets, then our toothpaste, and lately pretty much everything our kids touch! And they've been strutting around the world stage acting like they are some kind of budding superpower. Pah. Just because they have a few nukes and can shoot down a satellite or two doesn't mean they are technology-savvy. We all know who the leader in electronic technology is in the world. But enough about Japan . . .
Now the Chinese are getting all bent out of shape because we have given a medal to the Dali Lama. What, are they upset that it didn't have enough lead in it? Here we have a peaceful, elderly, soft-spoken man without a country from a pacificst religion and they consider him a threat. Yet they are perfectly happy letting the warlike, loud-mouthed President of a terrorist nation who thinks he has Allah's personal permission to kill everybody that doesn't think like him have nuclear weapons. Confucius say: "Man who embrace tiger on outside end up on inside." If he were alive today, he would probably say "These Chinese CLAZY!"
But leaving gratuitous racial stereotyping and irreverence towards ancient wise men aside, I've had it! It's time we started fighting back in the time-honored American way. Let's boycott the Chinese!
First, I'm not going to eat at anymore Chinese restaurants! No more Sesame Chicken, no more General Tso's Chicken, no more Sweet and Sour Chicken, no more Orange Chicken, no more - wait a minute. Has anyone noticed that the Chinese don't eat anything but chicken? - Sounds like that oughta be French food. But no more of it. And from now on the only Rice I'm interested in is Condoleeza!
But on the other hand, why should we penalize the good Chinese-American people who make a living here? I mean, who's gonna drop all of those eggs into our soup and do our laundry? No, there has to be a better way.
HA! I've got it! We'll devastate the Red Menace by CHANGING THE NAMES OF THEIR PRODUCTS! After all, look how badly it affected the French!
So from now on, we'll give good, American patriotic titles to previously Communistic products. Anyone care for a game of Freedom Checkers? How about a nice helping of General Petraeus's Chicken? You can make it fancy by serving it on your finest America. Hey, next time you stop at a traffic light, what say you have a Liberty Fire Drill? Perhaps little girls can collect nice little Democracy Dolls!
Get with the program, people! Stand up for freedom, democracy and the White and Blue (Can't include the Red, now can we?)
You say I'm going too far? You say this is just meaningless posturing? Well I say you're a dirty commie sympathizer. You wanna know what happens to commie sympathizers, huh? No? Wanna guess? Huh? No? They lose there noses!
Forget it, Jake. It's Freedomtown!
