Know a sage?

[Plane]

My mother always said "If you have nothing nice to say, do not say anything at all." At dinner one evening she repeated this oft said comment and an aunt exclaimed "Oh, I think the same thing. When I have nothing nice to think, I don't think at all!" As my my family sat stunned I thought to myself that there is an alter-world truth here.

http://www.thekidalog.com/seejanemom/2006/12/georgia_dog.html


To the optimist, the glass is half full. To the pessimist, the glass is half empty.
............... To the engineer, the glass is twice as big as it needs to be.

http://www.tallrite.com/LightRelief.htm

Boyfriend to Husband

Is this the way it is ... ??
Dear Tech Support,

Last year I upgraded from Boyfriend 5.0 to Husband 1.0 and noticed that the new program began making unexpected changes to the accounting modules, limiting access to flower and jewelry applications that had operated flawlessly under Boyfriend 5.0.

In addition, Husband 1.0 uninstalled many other valuable programs, such as Romance 9.9 but installed undesirable programs such as NFL 5.0, NBA 3.0 and PremierLeague 7.2. Conversation 8.0 no longer runs and HouseCleaning 2.6 simply crashes the system.  I've tried running Nagging 5.3 to fix these problems, but to no avail.

Signed:

Desperate Wife

(keep reading)

- - - - -Reply Separator- - - - -

Dear Desperate Wife,

Keep in mind, Boyfriend 5.0 is an entertainment package, while Husband 1.0 is an operating system. 

Try to enter the command: C:/I THOUGHT YOU LOVED ME and install Tears 6.2. Husband 1.0 should then automatically run the applications  Guilty 3.0 and Flowers 7.0.  But remember, overuse can cause damage, with Husband 1.0 defaulting to GrumpySilence 2.5, Happyhour 7.0 or Beer 6.1. Beer 6.1 is a very bad program that will create "Snoring Loudly" wave files. 

Be especially cautious about the HotChik virus ? it?s programmed to corrupt Husband 1.0 utterly (as well as all future Husband upgrades).

DO NOT install MotherInLaw 1.0 or reinstall another Boyfriend program.   These are not supported applications and will crash Husband 1.0.

In summary, Husband 1.0 is a great program, but it does have limited memory and cannot learn new applications quickly. 

Consider buying additional software to improve performance.  I personally recommend HotFood 3.0, Lingerie 5.3 and Keep-a-nice-body 10.1.

Good Luck,

Tech Support
 

http://oaks.nvg.org/lg6ra5.html#bb

Socrates further insists: "Everyone should be married. If it is successful, you will become happy. If not, you will become a philosopher."

[Plane]

There was an engineer who had an exceptional gift for fixing all things mechanical. After serving his company loyally for over 30 years, he happily retired. Several years later the company contacted him regarding a seemingly impossible problem they were having with one of their multi-million dollar machines.
They had tried everything and everyone else to get the machine to work but to no avail. In desperation, they called on the retired engineer who had solved so many of their problems in the past.

The engineer reluctantly took the challenge. He spent a day studying the huge machine. At the end of the day, he marked a small "x" in chalk on a particular component of the machine and stated, "This is where your problem is."

The part was replaced and the machine worked perfectly again.

The company received a bill for $50,000 from the engineer for his service. They demanded an itemized accounting of his charges.

The engineer responded briefly:

One chalk mark $ 1. Knowing where to put it $49,999.

It was paid in full and the engineer retired again in peace.

http://www.tallrite.com/LightRelief/engineers.htm


An engineer was crossing a road one day when a frog called out to him and said, "If you kiss me, I'll turn into a beautiful princess".
He bent over, picked up the frog and put it in his pocket.

The frog spoke up again and said, "If you kiss me and turn me back into a beautiful princess, I will stay with you for one week."

The engineer took the frog out of his pocket, smiled at it and returned it to the pocket.

The frog then cried out, "If you kiss me and turn me back into a princess, I'll stay with you and do ANYTHING you want." Again the engineer took the frog out, smiled at it and put it back into his pocket.

Finally, the frog asked, "What is the matter? I've told you I'm a beautiful princess and I'll stay with you for a week and do anything you want. Why won't you kiss me?"

The engineer said, "Look I'm an engineer. I don't have time for a girlfriend, but a talking frog, that's cool.

[kimba1]

The engineer said, "Look I'm an engineer. I don't have time for a girlfriend, but a talking frog, that's cool.


lol
and the sad part is I totally get it
which makes it even funnier