Cockamamie. We don't hear that word so much anymore. It used to be used a lot back in, say, cartoons in the sixties. The Animaniacs threw it into their theme song, too, probably in tribute to their illlustrious predecessors. We seem to have let it go the way of "groovy" and "square." But it's a good word, really. It means ridiculous, nonsensical, or just plain stupid. Those words could, of course, be used just as well to describe things. But cockamamie has such a silly, yet lyrical, sound that sometimes it just fits. Cockamamie. Say it out loud. Doesn't it just bounce around in your mouth like a drunk on a trampoline until it comes spilling out haphazardly? It's beautiful, really. And you have to pick the right noun to follow it, too. There is no such thing as a "cockamamie concept" or a "cockamamie plan." Those nouns are far too stuffy to hang around with a party animal like cockamamie. No, it has to be a "cockamamie caper" or a "cockamamie scheme." Yeah, scheme. That works. Concepts and plans are organized, dressed in a business suit or a military uniform and are "developed" in board rooms. Schemes are dressed in ragged shirts and jeans and are "cooked up" in smoke-filled back rooms. And what's being smoked probably isn't tobacco. Yeah, we got it now. Cockamamie Scheme. That'll do 'er.
So here ya go. Some of the states - including a couple of big ones - decided that their voice needed to loom larger in the Democratic Party nomination process than they already did. So they decided to move their primaries up. This seems like something a state ought to be able to do. This is kind of what the whole "United States" concept was about, after all - a group of sovereign states united together to cooperate, but each retaining its own sovereignty. The concept, when applied to a political party, ought to be about the same. It might annoy some Iowans or New Hampshire-er-ers, but that's what life is all about, kids.
But the Democratic Party, in its sudden incongruous embrace of the Great Compromise, decides that the little bitty states ought not be overshadowed by the great and powerful wizards of industry and retirement incomes, so they banish the interlopers to political limbo.
Except not. Sort of. With qualifications. Maybe.
Ya see, the genius minds that concocted this whole cockamamie scheme (see how well that fits here? Man, it's like I'm Walt Whitman or something.) had foresight roughly equivalent to that of the person who lights a match to see if his gas tank is full. The party bigshots in Michigan and Florida insisted that their votes had to count for more. Instead, in the one race where every state has been a battlefield the only ones that didn't count were the ones that concocted a cockamamie scheme to make themselves count more. ("Concocted" is like "cooked up" with high-falutin' airs about it - but it still works pretty well. You could damn near break a tooth on the alliteration!) So HA HA, Florida! Nanny nanny boo boo, Michigan. Instant Karma gonna getcha!!
But, oh, the cockamamie hasn't ended yet. Oh no. Suddenly, at the end of it all, after the queen has shouted "Off with their heads" to no avail, everybody wants to whine about how the poor voters in Michigan and Florida have been (the horror!) disenfranchised! Suddenly, the anointed heads of the party realize that something has gone, well, cockamamie! (See? Ya just gotta use that word here!) Here the same big, bad bullies who told the states that the national party must rule over all have become born-again state's rights advocates! Lord, I hope Hillary remembers this the next time she decides to propose abolishing the electoral college! Worse yet, the poor voters in Florida have been crapped on a SECOND time - and this time not by the evil, old, white Republican, but the liberal, young, black Democrat. It doesn't get any better than this, folks. It's crazy. It's cock-eyed. It's . . . well, you know.
But there is yet more that warrants the revival of the "C" word that Jane Fonda didn't use on television. No matter which way the party chooses to take the "kaka" out of cockamamie, they lose. If they refuse to seat the delegates from Michigan and Florida those voters may just choose to stay home during the generals as well, and if the Repubs can pull off those two states, well, white guys have a pretty good shot at keeping the streak going. On the other hand, if they suddenly relent and cook up some cockamamie scheme to seat the delegates from the two rogue states, Hillary may pull off an upset. That means the Democrats just lost the black vote. No, come on, wouldn't you pull out if you watched history slip away from you over some good ol' boy, er, I mean girl political deal? I would. Hell, there might even be riots at the convention and I mean that literally. It would be as transparent as glass. Hell, with that kind of turmoil a lot of Dems might show up at the generals just to vote McCain and keep Hillary out. And on the other, other hand, if the delegates aren't seated and certain feminists feel that Hillary got cheated, they might sit out the generals as well. You never know what cockamamie scenario might play out. Isn't it just beautiful.
The end result of all of this political maneuvering is that the Democrats may have found a way to lose when they had their choice of two excellent, ground-breaking, darlings of the media and the Republicans are on the political ropes with a candidate that even we don't like. It's all too beautiful. Karl Rove couldn't have hatched up something this diabolically clever.
Yep. Cockamamie. It's a beautiful word.
