Joke that a friend just e-mailed me

[Michael Tee]

AMERICA - -  10 years ago, we had Steve Jobs, Johnny Cash and Bob Hope.

Today we got no Jobs, no Cash and no Hope.

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Sorry guys - - hate to rub it in, but thought it was too good a joke to pass up

[Plane]

http://timblair.spleenville.com/archives/004400.php


Five thousand years ago, Moses said, "Hitch up your camel. Pick up your shovel. Mount your ass. I will lead you to the promised land."


Five thousand years later, Franklin Roosevelt said, "Light up a Camel. Lay down your shovel. Sit on your ass. This is the promised land." Today, George Bush will lay off your camel, tax your shovel, kick your ass and tell you there is no promised land.


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Last time I heard this BHO was the hero of the punch line.

[Michael Tee]

Not terrible, but it requires too many stretches to make it work well.  Bush taxing the shovel for example was kind of hard to swallow.  BHO would fit taxing the shovel, but not with saying that there is no promised land. FDR wouldn't fit either laying down the shovel or sitting on your ass.   I think the problem with that joke is too many sound-bites and too many people to fit well into all of them.

[Amianthus]

This dates back to the first Bush, when the "tax your shovel" line made more sense. I heard this in the run up to the '92 election.

[Kramer]

AMERICA - -  10 years ago, we had Steve Jobs, Johnny Cash and Bob Hope.

Today we got no Jobs, no Cash and no Hope.

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Sorry guys - - hate to rub it in, but thought it was too good a joke to pass up

We have all sorts of hope for change in 2012 and we don't doubt our worst president in history will be retired from office (next this time next year) and serving his last few months as president.

If that doesn't happen then yes we are all fucked and that loud sucking sound you will hear is Canada going down the drain with us!

[Michael Tee]

Well, that would take care of the shovel problem, but there are still too many ill-fitting pairings.

[Plane]

 A judge walks out of his chambers laughing his head off. A colleague approaches him and asks why he is laughing. "I just heard the funniest joke in the world!" "Well, go ahead, tell me!" says the other judge. "I can't - I just gave a guy ten years for it!"

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Russian_political_jokes

[Plane]

The KGB, the GIGN (or in some versions of the joke, the FBI) and the CIA are all trying to prove that they are the best at catching criminals. The Secretary General of the UN decides to give them a test. He releases a rabbit into a forest and each of them has to catch it. The CIA goes in. They place animal informants throughout the forest. They question all plant and mineral witnesses. After three months of extensive investigations they conclude that the rabbit does not exist. The GIGN (or FBI) goes in. After two weeks with no leads they burn the forest, killing everything in it, including the rabbit, and make no apologies: the rabbit had it coming. The KGB goes in. They come out two hours later with a badly beaten bear. The bear is yelling: "Okay! Okay! I'm a rabbit! I'm a rabbit!"



Hey these Russian jokes are pretty good.

[sirs]

...and who was the Hope & Change guy, again, where we now apparently have no hope, and very little change in our pockets??

Gonna be some great bumper stickers to use, come 2012

[Michael Tee]

<<Hey these Russian jokes are pretty good.>>

usually just anti-Soviet gripes, where you could substitute any repressive regime for the Communists and the joke would be just as funny.  Plug-in-a-name jokes, like "Q:What do you call ten (lawyers/politicians/dentists/etc/) at the bottom of the sea?  A: A good start".)  That said, here's the best Soviet-era Russian joke I ever heard, from the groom's speech at a Ukrainian wedding in Toronto:

A teacher asks her class to give an example of a tragedy.    Little Piotr puts up his hand, "I know!  I know!"

"What, Piotr?  What is tragedy?"

"Tragedy is when car with papa, mama and two small children going on wrong side of road is hit by truck and everybody inside is killed."

"No, Piotr, would not be tragedy.  Would be big unfortunate accident, but not tragedy.  Any one else?  Class?"

Little Dmitri puts up his hand.  'I know, teacher, I know!!!"

"Yes, Dmitri?  Tell us.  Tell us what is tragedy."

"Is tragedy when greatest scientist, greatest poet, greatest composer and greatest chess master of our glorious Soviet motherland all get sick and die at same time."

"No, Dmitri, that would not be tragedy.  Would be great loss, but not tragedy.  Anyone else want to try?  Class?"

Little Ivan Ivanovich's hand shoots up.  " Teacher,  I know!  I know what is tragedy!!!"

"Yes, Ivan Ivanovich?  You know what is tragedy?  Tell us, please, what is tragedy?"

"Tragedy is when plane carrying glorious General Secretary of our Communist Party. Premier of Soviet Union and Chairman of KGB flying together in airplane and rotten American capitalist leaders fire missile, hit airplane and kill everyone on board.  THAT is tragedy!"

"Yes, very good, Ivan Ivanovich.  THAT would be tragedy.  And, please, tell class:  How did you know it was tragedy?"

"Was easy, teacher.  I figured it out.  Was no accident.  Was no great loss.  Must be tragedy."

[Xavier_Onassis]

Canada avoided the mortgage crisis. Canada is unlikely to follow the US because it has many, many more times the natural resources on a per capita basis as the US. And it has no Tea Parties and no Republicans.

[Michael Tee]

No Tea Parties, no Republicans - - AND a genuine third party, now the official opposition party in the federal government, the NDP or New Democratic Party, the former socialists.  So our major parties are Liberal, Progressive Conservatives (known as PC or just "Conservatives") and the NDP; also separatist or sovereignist parties from Quebec like Bloc Quebecois and Partie Quebecois;  and a Green Party.

It sure beats the one-party system you guys have.

[Plane]

  The framework of a joke is often centurys old , and the jokes that today star John Kerry or Ronald Reagan were only a little diffrent than back when the star was King Louis XIV or Ramses the First.


   One of my favoriates is set in 1938 Berlin.

    An old Jew meets an old friend in the park and is shocked to see that he is reading one of the news magazines that supports the Natzi party.
    "What are you doing with that filthy rag? Don't you know that paper is for Natzis?"
     " Hey  you should try it! If you read one of the Jewish papers everything is bad , people getting arrested, molested, robbed and mobbed, it makes me miserable to read one of those.  But look at this one !Jews are wealthy , Jews are in controll of the government here and there and every where, Jews own everything , Jews are placed to take over the world ! I am much more uplifted to read such good news."   

[Michael Tee]

Yeah, that's an old one, but it's still funny.